The loss of a pet

Well, one of our gerbils (Shadow) finally died May 26, 2017.  It was pretty sudden and very unexpected.  It was just within the last few weeks that my wife and kids finally moved from the apartment over to the house with me and "the boys". I really thought it would be another year before anything might happen to them.

I must admit that I shed quite a few tears over this - nothing like bringing the rest of the family to tears too.  Was it just because I really liked Shadow?  No.  I did really like him though. When we got them I didn't expect much even though I spent months figuring out that gerbils would be a good first pet for the family (er, I mean my daughter). They each have very distinct personalities and even though they don't produce the same level of interaction as dogs - you do talk to them and they do like your attention.  They are very curious and if you are doing anything near them they like to get in the middle of it.. sit in their play area and they like to climb on you and sit on our knees, shoulders, etc.  If you sweep their play area they want to sit and/or run in front of the brush/broom. If you are doing other work in the room they will sometimes just sit so they can keep an eye on you.. and try to get your attention for the treat they know you really want to give them..

So, if the tears were not just for a beloved animal then why?  I have always liked animals and I always hate to see one sick and/or hurt.  It is really sad to see an animal that is hurt and in pain - especially when they can't tell you what is wrong and have no way to fix it.  Here is what I went through with Shadow.

• On May 23th, I was doing my normal nightly "come out and say hi and you get a treat" thing.  That night Shadow did come out but only to grab the treat and head back down into his little hideaway in their tank. Normally he is a little more social but I thought that maybe he had just been playing during the night too much and was tired.  
• On May 24th, I had not seen him and he wouldn't come out for any treat.  I got concerned and took their topper off and had to dig out his nest area.  He was curled up and didn't want to move - his brother was curled up next to him at that time.  I was very concerned at that point but it was too late that night to do much.  My daughter and wife had gone to the apartment for one last night since my daughter had her last brick and mortar school exam the next day. My son was already in bed at that point.  It was probably 11pm or so.  I tried to rouse him a little and he would walk a little bit  but was obviously not feeling well.  He usually would only move for 10 seconds or so and then sit or lay down wherever he was and just stay there if not disturbed.  I cleared a spot in their play area so I could sit and he did come over and just curled up on my leg and laid there.  The last time one of them did that was when they were about 8 weeks old - just after we got them. They are normally in constant motion if not sleeping in their tank.  I put him in his sleeping area after trying to get him to drink.. not very successfully.  I did some research and decided that his only real chance was going to the vet the next day. Fortunately, there was one just down the street and they treat gerbils (not all vets treat small/"exotic" animals).  
• The morning of May 25th, he was still acting the same and I was mildly surprised he was alive.  I got to the vet when they opened and they noticed some blood in the urine. They expected it was a urinary tract infection (I didn't do xrays due to cost) so they gave him some antibiotics, pain killer and pumped him with fluid. They gave me the same meds to give him.  He had a mild seizure earlier that morning which I found out from the vet can occur if they are in lots of pain.  The expectation was that the meds would make a difference within 24 hours.  By that night though, he still wasn't any better. When I gave him his medicine that night about 8pm he did obviously like the flavor and took it well. He did move a few times but by 10pm I decided I better try to hand feed him some water. I don't think he was making any attempts to drink during the day. I got out the kids old medicine syringe filled with water and tried to get him to drink.  That worked a little bit but I still don't think he was getting enough.  He just laid on my chest for the most part and would occasionally wander a bit like he couldn't get comfortable.  By midnight it was obvious he wasn't improving.  I still had some small hope in me that he would improve but in my heart I thought he would die in the night.  When I put him in a spare tank that night, he almost seemed dead at that point but was still breathing.  I had been praying (yes, remember God said to pray for even the little things) that he would either get better or pass so he wasn't in pain. 
• May 26th around 6am I got up and he had died.  If he had been alive, my daughter was going to help give him his medicine that morning.  I woke her to let her know he was gone and to figure out how we wanted to handle it.

So were my tears just because of the trauma involved in trying to save a small creature that was in pain and could not do anything on its own?  That was part of it but not all.

The gerbils are the first pets that I have ever purchased myself and were our first family pets.  When we first got them, for quite a long time - me and my daughter would sit in their play area and play with them.  It was a nice bonding moment for me and Rachel - and the gerbils.  I have many fond memories of those days.  So some tears were related to sentimental moments.  I don't think that was all the reason for tears either though.

I asked Rachel what she would like to do with him.  She said she didn't care but I think she din't want to think about it.  I asked if she would like us to bury him in the back yard.  She liked that idea.  I got some spare wood (Gerbils are excited already at that thought) and made a box (i.e. tiny coffin) and we put him inside and used the air nail gun to close it up good.  When we went looking for a spot, I recommended near a nice palm tree and Rachel liked that but pointed to a slightly different spot and said "but in the sun".  I shed couple more tears at that for some reason. 

I think any loss reminds us that death is in everyone's future.  It reminds us of beloved family members that we lost (like most of my grandparents at this point).  It forces us to acknowledge that someday we will die and stand before God too.  

I think that I shed tears for all those reasons.  

As much as I liked Shadow and as much as I hate for Thumper to be alone - I am glad Shadow isn't in pain now. Now only if my wife didn't say "no more gerbils"..  maybe a dog in our future.  I suspect Thumper would be fine having a puppy running around that he can watch. Ok, probably not yet - too many house things to deal with right now.

Remember to praise God during both the good and bad times.

Scott

[Edit] The last picture of Shadow as I was trying to get him to drink while just laying on me.

Tampa - around 6 months now

We have been here for around 6 months now.  This time has been filled with some enjoyment but also plenty of difficulties, frustrations and just "stuff".

I wish there were more enjoyable moments right now but I must accept the good with the bad.  

Since we got here we have gone through cataract surgery (both eyes) for my wife, finally gotten the braces for my daughter which we had put off for over a year because we had waffled on moving south for so long.  I think the orthodontics people are still shaking their heads at how often we are in  with her to get wires fixed - she may cause them to revise their "off limits food" list.  

I've still not felt like I could take time to find a Sleep Apnea doctor and dentist.  I had started to try and look into apnea doctors and someone did recommend one.  I have not followed up though.  For a while, I was not able to get to a doctors list on the insurance web site - they still had me associated with my previous employer and couldn't figure out how to fix it.  I think they may have fixed it now (after months) but I haven't tried logging in.  It was extremely frustrating not being able to get to our current medical items.  For a dentist, I just need to figure out where I want to go - near home or work.. I need time to review the places that are nearby.

We still have our leaking travel trailer which we are going to try and sell for whatever we can get but need time to work that out.  We think there is a place that will buy it - have to let that one go a big loss I guess.  We don't have time/cash to fix that right now.

I had to replace the rear brakes on my motorcycle which I had unknowingly ground down to the metal (how I didn't notice sooner I don't know - guess I don't press them hard enough normally).  

A Toyota dealer says our front brakes are ready for replacement (although a different dealer later didn't comment).  I've got the rotors and pads just in case I find we need them right now. We still have a rattle around the sunroof in the Toyota - just no time to get it looked at yet.  Wife keeps laughing and telling me it is a nut that a squirrel stored - and is still glaring at me whenever I take the car.

On a plus note, we now have a house - and a nice one at that.  On the downside, there is more work to do to it than was revealed by the home inspection and that is frustrating.  We also are sort of stuck between between homes - family at the apartment and me at the house for most of the week (having together 2-3 days of work week) and then everyone at the house on weekends.  We took the travel trailer mattresses to the house so we had something to sleep on.  It is painful at times for me - I'm starting to try and get some back exercises going again - it is starting to help but slow.  

Regarding the house, we had to replace the main breaker the first week - we only had power to half the house (1 leg of the 240v wasn't working) and it left the big appliances either non-functional or partially functional.  I learned one day that cold showers are still not enjoyable.  I am thankful we have full electricity again.

The wife of the previous owners had some medical issues and we are slowly figuring out why some things were done the way they were.  We are slowly sorting out some of those things and updating the easy stuff.  I was sad to hear that once the prior owners moved out the wife went straight into a nursing home. I do try and pray for the family.

The washer and dryer didn't convey with the house so we went  out and got some new ones - includes some features we didn't have before like the "steam" functions. The problem showed up though during the first use of the dryer though.  It was putting out codes regarding "airflow" being a problem.  I, being somewhat handy, figured it must just be a clogged vent.  It was funny that I was outside at around midnight one night with a flashlight trying to find the outside vent - without luck.  The next day, my wife and family pointed out that it was a plastic pipe that comes out of the ground about 12-18 " from the outside exterior wall (!??!??).  Anyways, to make a long story shorter, it wasn't clogged -  the new "smart" dryers monitor airflow and will warn you or even stop if it thinks there is an "excessive" restriction.  In our case, the way it is plumbed under the concrete slab and out with around 4 90 degree turns ends up at around 20 feet of length without the dryer to wall connection which is longer than desired because we wanted the doors to open in a way that made loading easy. So we are at the moment stuck running the dryer into a "in the house" water based lint trap and leaving some doors open around the wash room to let the heat and moisture out (hope we don't draw lizards in - I know who will have to chase them). The long term solution will probably be a vent extender and possible a reroute of the vent through the attic and out a wall - not really in the budget right now.

We have some leaky drains in the master bath to fix up.  Those are on my list of things to do sooner and later so we don't get a bigger mess.

There are a number of light dimmers and electric outlets that need replacing - nothing too bad but time consuming and complicated because the house is wired "interestingly".  It was mildly noticeable when reviewing the breaker box - a number of items marked "lights" but no room indicated and things like that.  There were not nearly as many breakers in use as to what I would expect either. What we know now is that there are some items on the same circuit as a major appliance - like maybe some wall outlets and the stove.  The shed was wired off of a heat pump circuit and even that wiring I am not sure I understood one aspect of what they did.  This is going to take time to sort out.

Then there is the shed.  We knew there was some rot but not the extent - when we had looked before it was full of stuff so there wasn't much access.  On move in, we found holes in the floor and the ceiling was  a total loss.  My parents are awesome and want to help by replacing the shed.  We started tearing it down and found that they had tacked up new wood over exterior rot (some years ago probably - not for the sale).  There were plenty of ants and palmetto bugs using it as a home.  This is going to take some time to sort out too.

I've not ventured into the attic yet.  Hoping that doesn't show more issues.

We still have a number of items to bring down from VA.  I hoping we can make a trip soon - that will provide one real bed for the house at least along with a bunch of storage stuff and additional workbench for the garage.  Not sure I need the additional workbench but I may have some specific uses.

On top of all this, my kids are/were struggling to get caught up in their school work since they started late with some Florida virtual school classes.  They fell farther behind in those and I don't know whether it is a bit of a self-direction issue or just issues related to never doing work mostly online. I have not been overly encouraging to them and I hope they forgive me for that.  I should say that I am proud of my son for doing  *extremely* well on his SATs.  I am also very proud of my daughter for how well she is doing with violin lessons (and guitar as well).  They are both so very capable of doing just about anything but they need my encouragement more than harshness sometimes.  I am hard on them - I think they should always do things to the best of their abilities.

At this very moment, we still have not sold our house in VA as well.  It wasn't really a problem for a few months - it was a "safety net" if we just couldn't deal with it down here.  I think we are enjoying it to some degree and it is now time to get the house off our books.  That has been a huge anchor around our necks for a while.  I think we have an offer now and plan to sign a contract shortly - hoping this works out finally.  Still not getting what I had hoped for but it is a little higher than a previous offer someone made. I do want to give a praise that it looks like it is going to sell though!

I must admit that I have been handling the stress of the issues pretty poorly lately/still.  I'm very embarrassed and angry with myself at the moment.  I am thankful for Jesus forgiveness though. I continue to pray for strength and perseverance.  I continue to hope that once we get totally out of the apartment and into the house along with finishing up this years schooling - we can work on "renewing the family and individually" for a lack of better words.  Separation of family is never a good thing - I am understanding that clearly now.  That applies to both our family "unit" and church family as well.  There is strength in togetherness both those areas.   

Fortunately, the new church we visited twice now seems like a good fit.  I am hopeful that we can quickly make some additional friends (still massively miss friends from VA and wish they were closer).  I really need more support right now - still feeling personally responsible for many issues. I really need to spend time in bible reading and quiet time.  So many things keep wedging their way into that time.

Scott

Cry out to Jesus

Cry out to Jesus when you are tired. Why cry out to Jesus? Because he loves you.

Cry out to him when you wake up gasping for breath and heart pounding. Because he loves me. 

Cry out when you feel like everything you do is a mistake.  Because he cares.

Cry out when you are sad and disappointed with others.   Because he wants your burden

Cry out when you are disappointed in yourself.   Because he wants my burdens. 

Cry out when you are alone and scared. Cry out when you are in pain. Because he listens.

This is not crying out into emptiness; this is shouting to myself and others to know and remember that Jesus is the answer and he does respond to our cries.  All that is needed is to hold him dearer than all else.

I lay my head down again tonight with final pleas that he help me to love him the way I should and to show my family how to love him more.

Scott